By Mark
Mark's personal rules for dating in his thirties — built on lessons from his teenage years, twenties, and now. Direct communication, reciprocal respect, and two whole people choosing to build a life together.
Every breakup is different.
Every relationship is different.
Every person heals differently.
The rules you are about to read are not universal truths, legal advice, professional counseling, or relationship instructions.
They are simply one person’s personal philosophy based on their own experiences.
Some people choose forgiveness.
Some choose distance.
Some choose friendship.
Others choose complete separation.
None of these approaches are automatically right or wrong.
Take what helps.
Leave what does not.
Our goal is reflection — not imitation.
“These are their rules. Their experiences. Their lessons.”
These are my rules. They are based on my experiences, values, boundaries, and lessons from dating in my teenage years, my twenties, and now my thirties. They have made dating easier for me, especially when it comes to weeding out the frogs. They are not relationship commandments for everyone. You do not have to agree with them. They are simply the rules that have helped me figure out what I will and will not accept in a relationship. So learn from my mistakes. Take what works for you. And leave what does not.
I do not have the gift of telepathy. Not now. Not ever. If you have something to say, say it, and let us talk as adults. If you are waiting for me to creep into your mind and figure out what is making you upset, I will not do that. If something is bothering you, tell me. If you need something, ask me. We are not doing those games in our thirties. Use your words.
When people are hurt or mistakes are made, an apology should be a word first. I do not care if you bought that sexy lingerie. Sex is not a means of apology. Say you are sorry. Tell me what you are sorry for. Then let your actions show me that you mean it. The action should be change, not sex. And no, I am not going to sleep with you and suddenly understand what you meant. We are not doing that this year.
We are individuals, but we are also a team. I understand that sometimes one person on the team may not be playing at their best. That happens. But if I constantly have to carry the load, it stops being teamwork and becomes a solo event. There is no need doing the work of two people to get the game of one. If I am constantly doing the planning, the validating, the loving, the organizing, and everything else, no, no, no. I do not have that time to waste. As much as I love you, to a certain level, I love myself more.
We each get to keep our individuality in the relationship. I do not have to love what you love. Me not loving what you love does not make me a bad person. I am not going to force my life to fit into yours, and I expect you not to do the same. If you love hiking and I love playing games, we are going to find a way to meet in the middle. If me not liking what you like makes me a bad person, you are not ready for a relationship or maturity. If we happen to share the same ideologies and all, great. But there will be no forcing the fit into the box.
I respect you, and I expect you to respect me too. The same goes for your friends and family. If we go out or hang out with friends and they try to belittle me, and you do nothing about it, I have a problem with you. The first time they disrespect me or do something I am uncomfortable with, I am looking at you too. If they do it a second time, I will reciprocate with the exact same energy and audacity. If you feel disrespected one way, nah, that does not work in my book. I will give it to you and package it properly, just as you gave it to me.
As much as it would be lovely for your friends to be my friends, there is no forcing a relationship. I will not force your friends to be my friends, and you do not force my friends to be your friends. They will respect you, and they will treat you with kindness. I will do the same. The same goes for your kids. If I am not overexcited to meet your friends, I am not a bad person. We just do not have anything connecting us apart from you, and I will not force a relationship just to make you happy. I will respect them the same way they respect me, but I will not go above and beyond to audition. Nah. There is no audition here. I am not auditioning for anything.
I will love and protect you. I will defend you. But I expect the same energy from you. If your family or the people around you are trying to put me down, I expect you to love and protect me too. That does not mean you blindly defend me when I am wrong. If I am wrong, talk to me. Tell me, “Okay, you know what? You are wrong here.” I can handle that. But do not sit there and watch other people disrespect me while you say nothing. If you expect me to stand up for you, I expect you to stand up for me. We are a team.
Boundaries are very necessary, and they are to be respected. I respect your boundaries, and you respect mine. Boundaries do not mean manipulating people or forcing people. No. A boundary is being able to say, “Okay, maybe I do not like this.” There are ways I do not like to be treated, and I am going to communicate that properly. There are things I am not comfortable with. There are things I do not want. And I am going to tell you. I will honor and respect your boundaries the same way I expect you to honor and respect mine. Your boundaries matter. Mine matter too.
I do not believe in closure. Whatever we need to say, we should say throughout the relationship. If the relationship ends, especially on a bad note, maybe you cheated, maybe you hurt me, or whatever happened, I am not doing the closure thing afterward. No. No, no. We are not doing that. The only thing that closes is zip doors and drawers, or whatever. Get your closure from your therapist, whoever, wherever. And if you decide to take things online and say things that are untrue about me, I will play with you. I will not let you destroy years of hard work just because you feel you should burn me. If you take it online, I will take it online. If you want to make everything go to hell, I will escort you there gladly and with a smile.
Everybody's dreams, life, hobbies, friends, and whatever matters. We are not sacrificing anybody's dreams on the altar of anybody. Now, sacrifice is a strong word. Sacrifices will be made, obviously. We will have conversations. We will compromise. We will figure things out together. But I do not expect you to lay down your job, your hobbies, your friends, or whatever makes you who you are just because you are in a relationship with me. No, no. You live your life. Your happiness is dependent first on you before anybody else. The same goes for me. So live your life. Keep your friends. Keep your hobbies. Keep the things that make you happy. Be your own person. I do not want a relationship where one person disappears into the other person. I want two whole people choosing to build a life together.
“These are my rules. They are based on my experiences, values, boundaries, and lessons. They are not relationship commandments for everyone.”
— Mark