By Krist
These are the personal rules I have created around dating and relationships. I believe in being plain and proper about expectations before entering a relationship, so nobody has to wonder whether we are in a committed relationship, a situationship, or something in between. These are not rules for everyone. They are simply the standards and boundaries that matter to me.
Every breakup is different.
Every relationship is different.
Every person heals differently.
The rules you are about to read are not universal truths, legal advice, professional counseling, or relationship instructions.
They are simply one person’s personal philosophy based on their own experiences.
Some people choose forgiveness.
Some choose distance.
Some choose friendship.
Others choose complete separation.
None of these approaches are automatically right or wrong.
Take what helps.
Leave what does not.
Our goal is reflection — not imitation.
“These are their rules. Their experiences. Their lessons.”
These are my rules. They are based on my experiences, values, boundaries, and lessons. They are not relationship commandments for everyone.
If we are dating, we are in a committed, monogamous relationship. No situationship. No open relationship. No confusion about what we are. It is me and you and whatever religious deity you are bringing into this relationship. Nobody else. Me and you. It is that simple. If you are no longer comfortable with that, you are free to say so and walk away. There is no problem. Nothing is holding you back.
If Jason, Tom, or Anthony can do certain things better than me, I am happy for you. But remember, Sandra, Samantha, and Rie can probably do certain things better than you too. So let us keep the comparisons to ourselves. If you start comparing me to other people, I will walk away. Because if you are constantly comparing me to someone else, perhaps that person already has your heart. I do not know how to struggle for somebody's attention or affection. I am not competing with someone who already has your heart.
I believe in equality. Fifty-fifty. Financially, emotionally, mentally, and practically, we are both contributing to this relationship. That does not mean everything will always be exactly fifty-fifty. Sometimes one person will have more to give. Sometimes one person may need more support. I do not mind. What matters is that we understand we are partners and that we are both contributing to making the relationship work. Nobody is going to carry the entire load for somebody else. If you feel that it is somebody's genetic responsibility to provide or do everything, then let us not start already. You may simply be looking for the wrong relationship.
You have autonomy over your body. Your body, your choice. My body, my choice. You have the right to tell me no whenever you are not interested. I also have the right to tell you no without having to provide a long explanation. What is good for the goose is good for the gander. Respect goes both ways.
We use the same rules for everybody. If you can check my phone, I can check your phone. If you can ask me questions, I can ask you questions. If you can pick up my call, I can pick up your call. Whatever you expect from me, you should be prepared to give me the same in return. Simple as that.
If every time we have an issue, your friends, family, and everybody else already know what the matter is, we are going to have something to discuss. Relationships should involve two people. Friends can offer advice. I understand that. But if your friends consistently know every intimate detail about our relationship, then I have to wonder whether I am dating you or your entire community. I am dating you. Not your friends. Not your family. Not your group chat. Our relationship belongs primarily to the two people in it.
The relationship and our future should not be a mystery. We talk about our dreams. Our goals. How we plan to achieve them. Children. Finances. Work. Family. The things that will help move the relationship forward. I believe in direct and open communication. I do not believe in having to guess what you want to say. Use your words. I will use mine. If something matters, we talk about it.
I believe in mutual respect. I will protect you from disrespect from my friends and family. They will not be allowed to make you feel small or treat you as though you are less important because you are my partner. And I expect the same treatment from you. Your friends and family will not get a free pass to disrespect me. If they do, I am not going to sit there and accept it. I am not a doormat. I have never been one, and I do not intend to become one now.
If you know you are fed up with the relationship and there are irreconcilable differences, you are free to leave. So am I. There is no point in staying together simply to frustrate and hurt each other. Time is too valuable to waste. If we can no longer make the relationship work, we can walk away and hold on to the good memories instead of destroying each other trying to force something that no longer works. Nobody is trapped.
Sometimes no is a full sentence. When you say no and I do not ask questions, it means I heard what you said. I expect you to give me the same courtesy. You do not always need to provide an explanation for someone to respect your decision. No can be a complete sentence. And I am okay with that.
“These are my rules. They are based on my experiences, values, boundaries, and lessons. They are not relationship commandments for everyone.”
— Krist