Be Careful Who You Save

Some people are not looking for a way out. They are looking for someone to pull into the mess with them.

This may sound strange, but some people do not need you to save them.

Some people will invite the devil to dinner, set the table, serve the food, and then look surprised when the devil shows up.

You forgot.

They invited him.

And sometimes, you are so determined to rescue someone that you end up fighting a battle they never intended to leave.

I Learned This the Hard Way

Growing up, whenever a friend told me somebody had hurt them, I would get angry on their behalf. I would confront the person.

“You hurt my friend.”

I would defend my friend. I would say what needed to be said. I would stand there ready to fight for someone I cared about.

Then, somehow, my friend and that person would be fine again.

Back to talking.

Back to laughing.

Back to the relationship.

And guess who became the problem?

Me.

Suddenly, I was the person trying to tear them apart. I was the person who did not want to see them happy. I was the person who had taken things too far.

Meanwhile, I was standing there thinking, But you called me!

That taught me something I have never forgotten:

Be careful about fighting battles for people who have not decided whether they want to leave the battlefield.

It Does Not Only Happen in Romance

And this does not only happen with romantic relationships.

A friend recently told me about a situation where someone came to her because her friend's partner had done something wrong. My friend offered her opinion and gave some advice.

The person went back and told her partner what my friend had said.

And suddenly, my friend became the enemy.

This happens at work too.

An employee comes to you and tells you everything their boss is doing wrong. They ask what you think. You offer your two cents.

Then, before you know it, you are the one being reported.

And the funny thing is, your entire conversation does not make it to the front.

What you said does.

That is why you have to be careful when you are trying to help people.

Be careful when you are trying to encourage people.

Be careful when you are trying to be nice.

Sometimes, in your attempt to help someone, you will say something you should not have said, involve yourself in something that was never yours to carry, and create consequences you never expected.

Find Out What They Actually Want

One thing I have learned when people bring relationship problems to me is to first determine what they actually want.

Because not everyone who complains wants to leave.

Some people are looking for a way out.

Some people are looking for validation.

Some people just need to vent.

And you need to know the difference.

If someone simply needs to vent, sometimes the best response is not a solution.

Sometimes you just nod.

Sometimes you say, “I understand.”

Sometimes you listen and keep your opinions to yourself.

And if you know you cannot do that, it is okay to say:

“I have a lot going on right now. I do not think I have the capacity to get involved in this.”

Nobody should blame you for protecting your peace.

Your mental and emotional health matter too.

Put Yourself First

In fact, when it comes to a lot of things in life, you have to put yourself first.

Because some people will come to you looking for something.

Your time.

Your money.

Your energy.

Your advice.

Your connections.

Your emotional strength.

And they will take all of it without ever intending to change their situation.

Wanting to Help Is Not Enough

I remember years ago, there was a young man who told me about his situation with school. He needed money to pay for an examination, so I paid for it.

Do you know what happened?

He never wrote the exam.

Not because he could not.

Not because something happened that he explained to me.

He simply did not do it.

The money was spent. The opportunity was wasted. And there was no explanation. No apology. Nothing.

That experience taught me another important lesson:

Wanting to help someone does not mean your help will be useful to them.

You have to confirm that they actually need it.

You have to confirm that they are ready to receive it.

And sometimes, most importantly, you have to confirm that they are ready to do something with it.

Because you can give someone an opportunity, but you cannot give them determination.

You can stretch out your hand, but you cannot force them to grab it.

Help Begins With a Decision

Imagine someone trapped in a sinkhole.

You can stretch out your hand.

That is help.

But they have to reach for your hand.

That is determination.

Help is not always an action. Sometimes, help begins with a decision.

People have to decide that they want out.

They have to decide that they want better.

They have to decide that they are willing to do something differently.

Otherwise, you are pouring water into a bottomless jar.

You can keep pouring.

You can keep giving.

You can keep sacrificing.

And somehow, you will always be the one left empty.

Show You Are Invested First

I have heard people say, “I want to start a business. I need someone to help me.”

Okay.

What is your business plan?

Nothing.

How much capital do you have?

Nothing.

What have you researched?

Nothing.

What have you started?

Nothing.

So what exactly are you asking someone else to invest in?

Sometimes people become angry when others refuse to help them.

But let us be logical.

If you want someone to invest in your dream, show them that you are invested in it first.

Do something.

Research something.

Build something.

Save something.

Plan something.

Start something.

Do not expect somebody else to carry a dream that you have not even picked up yourself.

There is a difference between needing help and wanting someone else to do the work.

And there is a difference between being unable to help yourself and being unwilling to help yourself.

Those differences matter.

Help Those Who Are Reaching

So, yes, help people.

Be kind.

Give when you can.

Listen when you have the capacity.

Offer advice when it is genuinely wanted.

Stretch out your hand when someone is genuinely trying to climb out.

But before you jump into somebody else's fire, look at them.

Are they trying to get out?

Or are you the only one running toward the flames?

Because you cannot save someone who keeps walking back into the fire.

And you should not destroy yourself trying.

Be careful who you save.

Not because people are undeserving of help.

But because your help is valuable too.

Do not waste your money on someone who will waste the opportunity.

Do not waste your advice on someone who only wants ammunition.

Do not waste your energy fighting for someone who is preparing to make peace with the very person you fought.

Do not pour yourself into someone who has made no decision to change.

Help those who are reaching.

Help those who are willing.

Help those who have shown you, through their words, their actions, and their determination, that they want the help you are offering.

Because sometimes the most loving thing you can do is extend your hand.

And sometimes the wisest thing you can do is leave it where it is.