Do Not Shop for Love While You Are Hungry

Desperation will make you call almost anything a feast.

Have you ever gone grocery shopping while hungry?

That is one of the worst mistakes you can make.

When I shop hungry, I overspend. I buy things I do not need. Things I suddenly believe I cannot live without. Things I am craving in that exact moment. I throw things into the cart because my stomach is making decisions my brain would never approve of.

Then I get home, look at the receipt, and wonder:

What the hell happened?

The answer is simple.

I was hungry.

And hunger has a way of making everything look good.

That same thing happens in our search for love, companionship, friendship, and partnership.

We go looking while starving.

Starving for affection.
Starving for attention.
Starving to be chosen.
Starving to belong.
Starving for somebody to stay.

And when you are that hungry, almost anything looks appetizing.

Have you ever been absolutely starving, finally gotten something to eat, taken that first bite and thought:

Wow. This is amazing.

Then you eat the exact same food when you are not hungry.

And suddenly you are staring at the plate thinking:

What is this? Can a human being actually eat this?

Same food.

Different hunger.

That is what desperation can do to your judgment.

When you desperately want something, your standards start negotiating against you.

The baseline for a relationship can already be on the floor, and somehow you will find a way to lower it another two feet.

You will bend.

You will become flexible.

You will become malleable.

You will excuse things you once promised yourself you would never tolerate.

You will call disrespect a bad day.

You will call inconsistency confusion.

You will call neglect busy schedules.

You will call crumbs effort.

And you will do almost anything to make the person stay.

Because desperation does not just make you overlook red flags.

It can make you repaint them.

And people know.

Predators know how to recognize vulnerable prey.

Desperation has a scent.

People can smell when you are afraid of being alone. They can sense when you are so desperate to be chosen that you are willing to abandon yourself just to keep them.

And that is where it becomes dangerous.

Because eventually, you stop asking:

"Is this person good for me?"

You start asking:

"What do I need to do so they will not leave?"

Those are two completely different questions.

One protects you.

The other can destroy you.

Have you ever left a relationship and looked back months or years later and thought:

God. What was I thinking?

You look at things clearly now and wonder how you ever accepted them.

But while you were inside it, everything looked different.

If someone had tried to tell you what you can see now, you probably would have defended that relationship with everything you had.

That is one of the reasons I created Relationship Reality Check.

Sometimes you need somebody—or something—to pull the veil off.

Not to tell you what decision to make.

Not to shame you.

Not to sugarcoat reality.

Just to say:

Look.

Look at the situation.

Look at the patterns.

Look at what you are accepting.

Look at what you are sacrificing.

Look at what this relationship is actually giving you.

And then ask yourself the question desperation does not want you to ask:

"If I were not afraid of being alone, would I still choose this?"

That question can change everything.

Because we have become so desperate for love and affection that some people will tolerate almost anything to keep somebody around.

And I know this sounds like a broken record, but it is worth repeating:

Any love you have to beg someone to keep comes with a subscription to begging.

You will keep bending.

You will keep shrinking.

You will keep proving yourself.

You will keep lowering the price of admission until you are practically giving yourself away for free.

And somehow, they will make you feel like they are doing you a favor by staying.

They become the prize.

You become the applicant.

But ask yourself:

Would you rather be alone...

or be with someone who constantly demeans you?

Someone who makes you feel like you are never good enough?

Someone who keeps you anxious, insecure, confused, and desperate for the next little piece of affection?

Because the damage from those relationships does not always end when the relationship does.

Sometimes it follows you.

It gets into your confidence.

Your self-esteem.

Your ability to trust.

Your ability to recognize healthy love.

Your ability to believe you deserve better.

You meet people sometimes and you can hear it in the way they talk about themselves.

You can see it in what they tolerate.

You can feel the damage.

And you think:

Somebody really messed with this person's sense of self.

And rebuilding that can take years.

Sometimes a lifetime.

Because memories are strange things.

You can suppress them.

You can bury them.

You can walk away from them.

And somehow, years later, one conversation, one smell, one place, one sentence can bring something back that you thought you had already buried.

That is why I keep saying:

Do not let desperation make your decisions.

Not in love.

Not in friendship.

Not in family.

Not in business.

Not anywhere.

Because desperation will convince you that a bad option is better than no option.

And sometimes it is not.

Sometimes being alone is not the punishment.

Sometimes being alone is the exit door.

Think about jumping into a mud pool.

The jump itself might take two seconds.

You jump.

You land.

You get out.

Done.

Except it is not done.

Now you have mud in your clothes.

Mud in your hair.

Mud under your nails.

Mud in places you did not even know existed.

And now you have to spend hours cleaning yourself.

Maybe days.

Maybe longer.

And that is the part people forget.

Getting into something can be quick. Getting yourself out of it can take years.

So before you jump, look.

Look closely.

Do not let hunger make the decision.

Do not let loneliness make the decision.

Do not let the fear of losing someone make the decision.

Get clear first.

Because clarity is not always comfortable.

But clarity will show you what desperation tried to hide.

And sometimes clarity will make you look at the thing you once begged to keep and finally say:

"I do not want this anymore."

That is not failure.

That is not bitterness.

That is not giving up.

That is finally being able to taste the difference between what you were hungry for and what was actually good for you.

So before you shop for love, companionship, friendship, or anything else you desperately want...

eat first.

Get full on yourself.

Get full on your values.

Get full on your self-respect.

Get full on clarity.

Then walk into the store.

Because when you are no longer starving, you finally have the luxury of looking at the shelves and saying:

"No. I do not need this."

And that may be one of the most powerful forms of freedom there is.

Never make a permanent decision with a temporary hunger.

Clarity is key.